Dear Diary
by TheMumblingsOfMail
Summary: When Matt finds his life in turmoil he decideds a Diary would help him work his mind out. I'll change rating and etc. as I go along, be prepared for dark themes, swearing and other non-niceys. Ongoing
1. Dear Diary

Dear Diary...

God that was girly.

Uhm... should I introduce myself? I suppose it would make sense, in case anyone ever finds this. Although if they do I feel compelled to warn you that I am not pleased with you reading this, whoever you are. I do hope you take pleasure from my suffering, although should Mello be reading this GET OUT OF MY STUFF!

Anyways, I feel the need to confide my thoughts within something, something that will not utter a single misplaced word to any of those who I trust and care for, and so here I begin. I believe I'm likely to write things here that are entirely indecipherable to anyone else but myself, but perhaps that is for the best. This is intended to be a diary, of sorts, for my future reference and possibly even amusement. Because one day I'll look back on all of this and see how stupid I am being, how utterly impulsive and reckless I am. At least, that's the plan.

So if anyone is reading this, if anyone even cares then welcome to my world, my mind, my thoughts. And my inner turmoil. I'll leave you with a little fact about myself.

I am the third in line, the doormat, the dog. I am lost.

And that's why I'm writing this.


	2. Today you asked

Today you asked me, after a considerable silence, (which I do hold accountable for the blank in my brain which meant that this question challenged me so much) "What did you do at the weekend?" and I was stumped, completely and utterly. What was I to say? My head spun with ideas and I briefly remember mumbling incoherently under your gaze.

What should I have said? ... For a moment I considered the truth

"Well, I was lying around moping most of Saturday, somewhat content to be doing nothing, but by about midday I started delving briefly into the art of insanity before dragging myself back to the world of the living, then endlessly repeating the process. This is all whilst, and possibly because, I was missing you and wishing we were still close. (Contrary to popular belief) L and myself are good friends and by the evening I was invited round to sleep over. At which point I had an emotional breakdown consisting of me deciding I wanted to go, and feeling astonished at my decision, then feeling as though even the act of being around another at the time that was previously allocated to you was an act of betrayal. Then I realised what a complete and utter idiot I was being in the eyes of anyone other than myself and resorted to accepting L's invitation at the cost of punishing myself (hahaha, everybody laugh to lighten the moment) for being so... stupid... and caring. I managed to get to L's without any major developments, at which point I discovered you had been lying to me about not being able to get in contact with me, this added to the fact you flat out denied what a certain text said almost made me break down once again. But that would have been undeniably unfair to my current companion, so I refrained. As previous experience has proven would happen, my anger towards you quickly dissipated and turned into annoyance at myself, which in turn make me text you something along the lines of "I miss you" to which you, predictably, didn't respond. The rest of the evening was pleasant enough, in fact my earlier worries were almost forgotten. But in the morning I arose to my thoughts, hours before L would awake and I was already leading myself down a dark path... because that's how I like to spend my time."

Then I realised how that would sound, not that I had, at any point, actually planned on saying it. That would have been social suicide, (haha) and to be honest I have literally no idea how you would have reacted. By this time of course you had moved on and that brief moment of utter turmoil for myself and mild uncertainty for you probably blended into your day, being forgotten, disregarded. But to me, that decision was yet another example of the path I choose oh so often, the one I feel forced to make. I must keep up appearances, I must believe one day it will be better, I must support everyone else. I must be someone else, an entirely different persona.

Perhaps one day it will go the other way.

-chuckles-

That was just one comment! Just one tiny comment, a miniscule slice of my life, and that is the level of thinking it entails. Sometimes I think it's nice to be intelligent, sometimes I agree wholeheartedly with the statement "Ignorance is bliss"


	3. Missing Home

I realised today what hurts. And before anyone can panic, I'm not bleeding out or dying from some mystery illness. But its still agonising, it's a pain that sits heavy inside, one that painkillers cannot tame and no doctor can diagnose.

I lost my home, I lost my family. I lost you.

And every time I see you I can't help but think that. I had something perfect. I ruined it. In the end though, was there really any other way? Angels don't walk with the humans, they are higher than us. It is not just for their good, but for ours as well. Once we have seen all that can be, why bother with that which is not perfect? I'll give you the answer, you don't.

That's why I'm finding this so difficult. I can't sit back and let the idle chatter and amusement of my friends soothe me anymore, because it is not what it used to be. No longer comforting, it is now a reminder, because you are there, you are still living as though nothing has happened. Nothing is wrong whilst I am shattered inside. I have lived as something higher than I am, and have seen the difference, the wonderful magnificence of all which I strive to be. Now that I am cast back where I began, with no path, however small or winding, back to the heavens, I am lost. I have been spoilt and now I must pay the price. The thing is, I can't blame you. Not for one second can I honestly say I would not do this all again. I have tried and tried to see it as your fault, but if you asked me right now, today, I would still thank you.

There is a famous saying "it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." I disagree. If you never see what could be you will never miss it. But if you have seen it, there is no reason for regret. You have experienced that which many may never be privileged enough to, and that feeling of belonging is one better than any.

If you have a place where you are free, your sanctuary. Never let it go.

* * *

If you understand any of this I'll give you a cookie ^^ And like I said, if you have a place to call 'home' think yourself lucky, some do not have the same.

Any suggestions are very welcome

xMattx


	4. Interesting, isn't it?

Interesting, isn't it? How things can change so quickly. At this point I could speak about the chasm that has formed between us, however I do not wish to confide my personal view of that at this time, so I will instead describe my other thoughts. Over the weekend I managed to, in fact, enjoy myself. I spent it with those I had been neglecting whilst devoting my time to you. This, surprisingly, cheered me no end. You may ask exactly why this was surprising, however if you know me at all you would not make such an ignorant enquiry. It is widely known that I do not get on with my parents and that time spent with them is often a chore, however this is not what I wanted to tell you. I believed for quite a while that I would be fine without you. Even deluding myself into thinking that I was, in fact, completely overreacting, and losing things is a part of life, it happens to everyone and perhaps I should be more light-hearted about the entire situation. For two miraculous days I really believed that I would recover, and everything would be ok.

Then I saw you again...

And that beautiful belief came crashing down around me. I could almost feel the world I had created crumble into oblivion. I needed you, I depended on you. That doesn't change in an instant. In fact I'm not sure the feeling ever really changes. It may fade and, in some cases, pass on. But you never lose dependence once you have it.

I am but an accessory to the whole, I cannot exist without the other.

So I've not changed my mind. I'll keep pretending. I'll keep lying. I'll keep smiling. Till the day it no longer does me any good... I may have to correct that actually, I'm not sure if it ever does me any good, so how about until the day I can't do it anymore. Till the day I break down, I must continue with this. Nothing's going to change, I don't believe you'll miraculously take me back, but maybe one day I can be even half of what I was to you. Or what you were to me. That day I'll be happy.

That day I'll stop.

...

I just re-read this entry and relised that I wrote it entirely from the perspective that I was talking to you... I s'pose thats what I really want. To be able to talk to you about everything.


	5. To you

To ...  
Well ... This is far more difficult than I had anticipated... –breathe-

This letter is going two ways.

1. I will be begging for your forgiveness and hoping to make it worth it.  
2. I will accept what I see to be the truth

I shall try both. And hopefully you'll read it, and then tear it to shreds.

I beg you, to forgive me. For everything I have ever done, and ever will do, to hurt you. I am no good for you and I do not deserve your friendship, but I care for you like a sister... and I miss you. As cheesy and sappy as that sounded I can help but think it. Here's where I say I can change and all that... but I don't think that's going to help. You've got fed up with me. Understandingly. It happens; in fact it seems an inevitability with those around me. I could change, and I could hope, and I could beg you. But it won't help anything, because you are everything to me, but to you I am nothing. I can live with that, because it's what you want, I just wish it had always been this obvious.  
You gave me the only true home I have ever known, where the people care deeply and act accordingly, and I can never repay you for that. I could spend my entire life there, and never look for what I was missing, because in my mind that is the best place to be. You are my closest friend, and every time I go somewhere without you it seems odd, and sometimes I can't even make myself move, for the knowledge that you won't be there, but that's ok, because it's what you've decided, and that's all I care for. Thank ... someone, you finally decided something. ^^

So there you go. That's the end of the letter.  
Do with it what you want. Make of it what you will. I just hope you understand.

.

I'll never send that letter. It'll sit here in this diary forever more. To be forgotten and lost.

Im a coward


	6. Hate is a powerful word

So. ...  
You think I hate you?  
Do you really believe that?  
Is that what you see in my soul?

Do you truly, without a shadow of a doubt, see it as hate? The emotion that flicks across my eyes when I see you... You need to revise your people skills my friend. I am not strong enough to pretend, but I can blank, in fact I am well known for it. I distance myself because I can't let you see me broken. I can't let you see what really lives in my soul. I can't let you be there for me, because truly you should not, angels are not burdened with the worries of the demons.

If you were to find out.

If you were to see how much I care. How much I desperately want for you to be happy, for you to have everything you ever wanted. How much I worry when you are not happy, healthy, safe. For you to find out how much I hurt. How much I long for you to just see me, not see the facade. .me. Please, please, please, need me as much as I need you. See my tears when I find myself alone, again. See into my soul when I am around others, how much I want it to be you, but how much, when it is, I wish that I didn't have to pretend. Because, if even for one second, I let you see what it really is, I'd ruin what precious little I have left. That's something I can't take. To me you are perfect, don't ever believe anything less. You could kill me and I'd still love you. Don't ever believe you're less than perfect, please.

There are very few reasons why I am still even here anymore.

You are the first one.  
The one that matters most.

* * *

I mention angels and demons alot, this is because I really like the idea of the contrast, and I think Matt sees himself as the demon, and his subject as an angel. Hope this isn't annoying anyone ^^  
On another note I found the song Fuckin' perfect by Pink a big inspiration for this, because I love the chorus.

Again, any suggestions are welcomed with open arms

xMattx


	7. Changing

So a little change of scene is in order, I think. You may well be thinking my life is always depressing, horrible, angsty. Here's proof it isn't... I went to a party. Yeah, me, party. It was pretty ...good. In fact it was fantastic. It was everything I needed to bring me out of this place I've been stuck in. To think I almost missed it, I almost didn't go because they wouldn't be there (couldn't deal without you), and because you would. (couldn't deal with you)

But I did, And you did, And it was the best. Nothing could have spoiled that evening, not you saying that you don't have emotional attachments, not the weird gathering of people, not .. anything.

You want to know why? Because I wasn't a coward, for once in my life I didn't edit out the words, didn't delete the text I had typed. Because you said yes. Before anyone gets any ideas, no, I didn't spill my soul, it's just not what I do. I asked one simple question, and not the one you're thinking.

"Please, I know this sounds weird but...Can I stay at yours?"

And you said yes. You said yes. I've not quite convinced myself of that yet. Anyone who's reading this will definitely say I'm a complete psycho, and to be honest I can't say I disagree, but everyone has their moments. If you want yet more proof that I'm utterly screwed in the head, I didn't even go. I'm writing this Diary from the blackness of my room, listening to my customary music. Even that doesn't dampen my mood. Obviously I would have loved to have gone. Every minute is precious in my life, and every one spent with the company of my friends, even more so, but its better that I didn't, your not a fekkin' insomniac like me, and you need your beauty sleep ;) (not that you could look any better). But just the fact that you agreed is bliss. If even for one confused, startled, idiotic second you wanted me around then I'm worth more to you than I thought.

So I end this... happy. Yes, happy, cloud nine.  
With the worrying thought that my earlier unhappiness may have lifted.

* * *

Yeah, partying... often not my scene. But parties just with friends, especially those I love, they're the best.

xMattx


	8. Thank You

Thank you. That's what this is all about. Today I read something I hope I'll never forget, something so insightful and caring I couldn't help but shed a tear for the soul that was suffering behind it. It was a letter to a deceased loved one, and it was beautiful. All I could think was, I wish he could read it. I wish he would have known how much he meant to those around him, then maybe he would have never have left. I didn't even know him and I don't really know the person who wrote it, so I really feel like I shouldn't even have read it, but it got me thinking. Life isn't a fairytale, there aren't always more chances, and there isn't infinite time. So I wanted to write this now, and maybe you'll find it, or maybe I'll be brave enough to show you. 

Thank you. Thank you for the time you spent with me, and for all the life you let me in on. Thank you for the evenings where you sat with me and gossiped about people, your little jokes and comments always helped lighten my mood. Oh! and movies with the family, always an interesting time, if a little haphazard ^^. Thank you for letting me know about all the little things I missed in life. Thank you for never asking too many questions and for never expecting too much. Thank you for being around me when there are so many others you could have spent time with. Thank you for putting up with all my weaknesses, my silence when I couldn't let anyone in.

But please, there are some things I ask of you. Above all that you have done for me I know it seems outrageous, but I just need you to know. I've never had a better friend than you, I can't trust you with everything but it's not because I don't want to, I just don't know how. I want you to know I could never hate you, not for any reason in the world, don't ever doubt that. And to me you are everything anyone could ever be, anyone who sees otherwise is blinded.

...

I write this now, and realise I wrote it in past tense. I suppose that's because I doubt you'll ever read it. You'll never find it, just like you won't find the rest of this Diary. I'll keep on living as normal and the world will never notice, never even know I wrote it. I didn't plan on telling you any of this. Its more for my own benefit than anyone else's, but some part of me hopes you do see it. Because I want you to know. All of this is real, when I see you this is what I feel, and I'm happy, more happy than any other time, but some part of me issues a warning, that you won't always be there. I hope that you won't leave too soon, because I know there's a possibility one day you'll be gone, you'll never have known about this, you'll leave me behind. I've already felt it, and it scares me, because next time it might be forever. I know it makes me weak and I hope that you'll forgive me for such selfishness.

I have to keep reminding myself, your happiness before mine. That's how it's supposed to be, how I want it to be. It's not all that difficult you know? If you're happy I'm happy. Its true most of the time actually.


	9. Make the most of it

I feel so selfish. Today I realised that's what I am, selfish. I want you to see me but I don't want to see anything else. I want you to need me, but not always, only when I want, when it doesn't hurt you. I try and convince myself I'm a giving person, but I'm not. I think today just got me down. It's a Monday, never a good day anymore. I used to relish Mondays, it was a time to meet up with everyone again after the break and giggle about what had happened, but now I don't want to. I don't want to have to fake a smile or have to put on my caring facade. I know my friends are my everything and deep down I do care, but it always seems like I do the listening, even though I talk so much it's never anything I want to say. On the other hand it's not their fault, I don't tell them anything, because when I let things slip I end up digging myself a nice little pit which I find it endlessly difficult to get out of. So they can listen all they want, and all they'll get is the dribble I usually come out with. I've almost given up talking on the way to school. That conversation I mentioned in an earlier entry? Where you asked me about the weekend? That happened on the way to school, and now you seem to have made it into a habit of asking me. Thanks for making my Monday mornings that much more difficult, because now every time you say it I mentally prepare another paragraph like the one I wrote earlier, backspace it and refine it into something a 'normal' person would say.

-sigh-

Sometimes I wish life was just a game, like the ones I always play, there may be different endings, but it will always end, your character will either die or be a hero. There's no down side, and if it doesn't suit you then you can try again.

To make it worse it's Valentine's Day. The day where everyone celebrates how happy they are in their own little worlds. I would have too, no more than a few months ago. But it's changed since then. I walked around today seeing people living, not just being alive, but truly living and enjoying it. I would have felt uplifted by it, but now I feel... nothing. It's strange, two weeks ago I felt like a knife had been pushed through me, every time I saw you it was pushed deeper. Then you took a week off. I didn't see you at all. You didn't even think to tell me what was wrong, and it all dissipated.  
I thought that I had become ill, and true, sickness was part of the problem, but it was not the main contributor. I think I just... gave up? That doesn't seem right. I even took the Friday off to think it through, yeah, I took a day off school, to anyone that knows me that defies belief, it just never happens, but I was pretty sure a mental breakdown was imminent and as fun as those are, having them at school would never be a good idea (I have once before, and only barely escaped being noticed)

With it being only Monday I've only had one day to test my new feelings with you around so I'm not 100%, but I think some part of me has just, given up. I'm still trying, still wanting to make sure you know I'm here for you and that I still need you, but there's not the... effort. I'm not sure if I like it. As much as struggling hurts it makes it feel real. This doesn't. I see you being happy with others, and it no longer makes my heart jump, it just slows. I feel fine with other people; I don't feel that sense of duty to you, to make sure that you are my only concern.  
This all makes it seem like I don't care, that I've gotten over it. I'm not sure, I just... don't know anymore. I know you make me happy, but not as much as it used to, then again I know that nothing seems to make me happy like it used to. So it's all in relation.

I just realised how many times I said the words "I'm not sure" and it's ALOT. I suppose that's because it's true. God, I sound so depressed all the time. I swear I'm not always like this, but the Diary is my escape, you won't tell anyone, or judge me for what I say. In the end I just want to be happy. Tomorrow, tomorrow I'll try, just to be happy and to live a normal life, because everyone is fighting, everyone has problems and worries, most of them much worse than mine, I'm just whining. Go out, the entire world's a stage, but life's not a dress rehearsal. You don't get to repeat it.  
So let's make the most of it.


	10. A sunny afternoon

2/3/11

Ok... Hiya ^^' We've not spoken in awhile. Well I'm writing this entry from a beautiful seat, basking in the afternoon sun. It's so peaceful and tranquil, every now and then I see a dog and handler walk by and I smile, the trees rustle comfortingly in the breeze and the sound of birdsong washes over me.  
These moments are different from the ones I usually treasure, normally human interaction with my friends is all that concerns me, but today seems different. I haven't been having the best time with my parents, my fault really. I sparked it by lying, as usual, except this time my friends unintentionally sabotaged me. Long story short my parents knew I had lied to them about where I was and consequently took away things of importance to me. I s'pose I haven't learnt my lesson, I mean I'm supposed to be at home now, but I just couldn't bring myself to go.  
The present situation may well have been a result of the fact I didn't talk to anyone for the second half of the day, in fact I'm pretty sure it was. What bothered me was that my 'friends' didn't act any differently when I didn't speak. They laughed and joked as usual and generally had a good time. This wasn't even my weird off mood. People that I hardly know were asking if I was ok, while my so called friends just shrugged it off, saying "yeah, she's fine"  
I don't know if it's just me, but when one of my friends is upset I can't have a good time knowing that they're not well. The same as if someone is left out, or abandoned without reason. I know that I am overly protective and that my friends shouldn't mean so much to me, but really, I didn't think I was that far apart from everyone else's standards.  
On another note I've realised why I keep changing the way I look. I found a quote online that summed it all up  
"And I'll keep trying 'till I'm perfect, even if it's only for tomorrow, just for you."  
I think that if I look good enough then maybe I will be. You may call me stupid, but our society values image very highly and we immediately judge people for it, as much as anyone tried to deny it.

I don't want to keep talking, but there's so much on my mind. So I apologise in advance for the stupidly long nature of this entry. So on we go.  
I'm getting pretty close to Near now, I think I'm almost trusted. Near's great to talk to... about anything. Be it the smallest of jokes to the most terrifying of secrets, but he has his problems too and sometimes I feel a little helpless. I'm considering sharing my secrets with him, I'm sure he'd understand, but I'm not sure... how would I even go about it? Just hand him this book and say "here, there's my soul, take good care of it"?  
I don't know, but he helps keep me sane on the nights demons haunt me. The other night I had a really bad case of it. I turned on my straighters (yes, I kill my hair, nobody looks this good without trying... actually... nope, not starting on that argument)and burnt into my arm.  
There's still a red line there as I write this. It's the first time with heat and anywhere so obvious. I won't do it again, I'm terrified that someone will see and know what it is.  
Here's the interesting bit though, I felt guilty. I've felt guilty before but never acted on it. This was always my release, something no-one would know. Yet here I was, making it blatantly obvious. What if someone found out? They might want to support me, try and deal with it. I'd become a worry and a burden. So, in my state of sleep deprived stupor what did I do? I picked up my phone...  
Not a good idea.  
Because, of course, the next thing I did was text "you" Yeah, the person most, if not all of this Diary is about. You worry me, make me happy, make me safe, support me, amuse me, confuse me. So to the person that means the most to me, what did I say?  
"I'm sorry"  
Thats it. It could have been longer, it could have been worse, but in the end it summed it all up.

Yeah, I probably am mental  
I probably care too much  
I probably need help

But for the minute I'll sit here, in the beauty of nature and know that at least I have a life to live, where the birds sing in harmony on a sunny afternoon.


	11. Near to you

3/3/11

Yesterday was a little harsh. Although I will definitely be making that bench my new relax spot. (Since O now lives directly overlooking my old one) I know my friends do care about me really but I don't give them the chance to help. I never tell them my problems, I just lie.  
Take this morning as an example. I effectively broke down and I hadn't even made it out of the house. I was fine until B came. The second I saw him I just snapped. My hair wasn't done, my skin wasn't flawless, I'm still fat. B's so perfect, something I never will be. I tried to convince myself that I should suck it up and go anyway, there are people that need me. There aren't.  
My friends don't need me, not anymore. I'm pretty sure they don't even want me when I'm not needed. Its break and I'm sat alone in an empty classroom.  
I bet they haven't noticed.  
They're stood downstairs acting exactly the same as normal, not even noticed I'm gone.

* * *

So after break Near asked if I was ok. Trust Near to notice, he's so aware. I wish people would care about him more, he deserves it. People get the wrong impression of him and they don't care enough to change it. Anyway I just shrugged him off. I'm not ready yet.  
But at least he cares.


	12. Clueless

4/3/11

Heart attack averted.  
I had a small argument with B. I think he'd just had a bad day, but it made my heart jump, not in the nice way. IT was the sickening feeling you get you know when you've wronged someone. It fills your stomach with lead and makes you feel horribly sick. What really gets me is that I hadn't noticed the matter was even bothering them.  
I was clueless  
Just as clueless as everyone else is. I've always considered myself to be an observant person but it washed over me. It really made me think. If I was missing such huge issues someone so close how much have I missed with everyone else I know?


	13. Happiness

7/3/11

Well, yesterday was good (no sarcasm intended) We spent a day in Gunwharf chilling. It was really nice. I was tempted not to go in the morning, but since everyone was meeting at mine that wasn't really an option. I had a really good day. We laughed and joked and I walked O home. We chatted for awhile and then some chavs came and started talking to us. I think that it was my hair that did it; it's pretty vibrant after all. So yeah, I got punched repetitively. Twice in the face... yeah... ouch. There's lots of information I need to file away for reference later about that fight actually

1. Fake name needed (cool enough to be impressive without being unbelievable)  
2. At the moment you realise it's all going wrong DO SOMETHING!  
3. Don't rely on back-up  
4. My muscles only kick in only when the brain has stopped thinking, so shut it up any way physically possible and strike fast  
5. If all else fails punch back as hard as you can and claim self-defence  
6. I care more about my face than any other part of me, but no worries, it doesn't bruise easily (you can only see it in certain lights)  
7. Seeing B makes everything better

So, after that had happened I lied to O and said I was fine (he hadn't seen much of it) and started walking home. Halfway I realised, I couldn't do it. I couldn't go home. By now I was late, I was a mess, I might break-down and show something I didn't want to. So I had two options left, either sit on a street corner and wait until I got better, or go there. Want to know the first thing I checked? "Do I have my headphones with me?" Yeah, you may find that weird, but when there's nothing else in the world for me then my music is there.  
I didn't, so that left one option. In my mind I decided, the one and only thing I wanted to do. I wante to go ';home,' to the closest thing I have to a 'family'  
B's house

:Side note: Sorry, I completely forgot to tell you. The happiness during the day was 99% caused by the fact that I stayed at B's house the night before. We chatted and laughed and generally had a good time. If I'd of been happier I would have started throwing up rainbows. Only took two months xD But that doesn't matter, it was fantastic. It was home. :end:

So yeah, I phoned B and asked to meet at the end of the drive, I wasn't sure I could knock on the door. Sure enough on sight I broke down. Sobbed in his arms. Not from fear or shock. I just...  
I was safe  
Once I was inside I was ok. I said what I could remember about the incident and even had a laugh ^^ Yes, you might not believe it, but I laughed. I'm at ease the second I walk through that door I know that no matter what I will be looked after, and I don't feel totally useless. I felt like they cared and it really made me happy. I'm tearing up a little writing this.  
And I haven't even got to the best bit!  
Hugs.  
Yeah, I got hugs.  
Not that I means much to you, I'd bet, but my 'dog' nature really does take over when it comes to hugs. They mean a lot, and they're the best gift in the world. There was nothing in the world that could have made me give up those hugs, literally nothing.  
If you're wondering, it was totally worth being punched.  
Worth walking the streets alone, worth feeling insecure when my actual 'mother' came to get me afterward, worth the scorn and the grounding. Worth being told that O had essentially had a good laugh and joke about whether he was going to ask me out or not, with seemingly everyone except me.  
Did I forget that bit? Oh, sorry. That's not what I wanted to end this bit on.  
I wanted to end this by thanking B for everything, if you want more praise read the entries before this, but truly I couldn't ask for a better friend in the world. Thank you to my 'family' too. Having you there is the best.


	14. Parental Rules

7/3/11

Ok, yet another update, aren't you lucky? ^^ I'm sat at home after school and I just made my own mom cry, ... if it makes me any less horrible, I got abit teary too.  
I wanted to go and sit on my bench. It's beautiful and peaceful like I said before, and I could really do with it right now. But she said I'm not allowed. That really got to me. I need this time to myself, I need to think, but I want somewhere peaceful to do it. Somewhere soothing, and where no-one will ask questions or judge me. I don't have it at school, or home or at the weekends, or the walk anywhere, so when she said no I got annoyed, started shouting, and she just ignored me. Like you do a four year old throwing a tantrum, rather than a teenager with mental issues who's just been through a rough experience. I just ... I'd say snapped but I didn't go entirely mental, I was just worn abit too thin. I told her that I didn't want to come home yesterday, I could happily have stayed at B's house forevermore. That this wasn't even a home to me, just a house.  
She was so shocked.  
There was so much more I wanted to say. That in school when I hear people talking about their parents it feels really weird. They can either tell their parents everything, or they can't say anything, because they're abusive or they don't care. The thing is I SHOULD be able to tell them anything, they're that type... but I can't, just like I can't tell anyone else. I wanted to say that B's house isn't a house to me, it's my home. That's why I was so sad that I lost it all. There I am safe, I have a family and I feel like I belong. So much more than I do here, here is just where I meet other people, where I happen to be, here is horrible, here is where my 'parents' are. I don't even think of them as parents, I think to me they are more... people I happen to live with, who have control over me. (sort of) and I know that all teens are known for a strong dislike to authority figures, but really, I have a better relationship with my teachers than I do with my 'mother.' I don't know what to do. I keep checking this through for spelling errors and welling up.  
You may be wondering why I didn't just go to the bench in the first place? Because I wanted to walk home with B, of course. It just makes me feel safe. Even when I can't be bothered to put in the effort, to keep up the happy smiles. Its ok, because B doesn't mind. Always there, always strong.  
I can't say it enough. I wish I could say it for real.  
I'm sorry, and Thank you.


	15. Houseworks fun with good music

9/3/11

This week had been... difficult. I feel really isolated. I don't want to talk to O. At all. He's really annoyed me with the whole business of asking me out and even if I had ever intended on even considering him then it would be wiped out now. Not that I ever had. I want to talk to B, but for some reason I feel like I've already taken what care I should and given a little bit too much information and soul than is necessary or wanted. I kind-of want to talk to Near, but not enough to actually put it into practice.  
Today was really weird as well. Near followed me upstairs to where I have been staying at lunch and breaks (to write this Diary and to relax) and started asking me about what was wrong. I was almost tempted to tell him some reasons as well. But I refrained, at least from the major ones. I told him about my family... yeahhh. That was about it. I essentially convinced him he'd never know what was wrong and that he should probably give up. I also got out of P.E by convincing my teacher that actually me staying where I was had much less potential for someone getting killed. After all that me and Near spent a good part of 3 hours moping around, doing not much and I came home late, whereupon my 'mother' shouted, cried, raged and left. My 'dad' repeated this, but without the middle step, and he only left the room rather than the house.  
I then vacuumed up and cleaned the front room, not because I felt guilty or that I owed something to these people, but because hey, good exercise?  
Really though, when I'm with B's family I want to help. I want to be as good as I can to repay these people for what they have done for me, and because they deserve it, they are good people, and I value them. Here... I don't. I don't really care actually. I try to make myself considerate, but I doesn't work. Simply because I'm not. There's the harsh truth.


	16. Continued

17/3/11

Well, there was a momentary spazz out there. Yes, I know I didn't write anything, and that's because I was worried that someone had found my Diary, and actually I suppose I should be worried. But if they knew about it then they could easily have read it before, and I have no reason to suspect they will suddenly take an interest now. I will probably make this weird decision of not writing every now and then, because I have suddenly thought someone might discover this little secret, but really, what does it matter. I don't care, bribary and acting will lead me out of and situation it could get me in, so for now I'm continuing with this. Don't let me forget to talk about the weekend!


End file.
